A bit of a non-update

The lack of updates recently has a lot to do with the fact that there's not a lot to report. Or put another way, things are not much fun right now but I doubt you want to read endless posts of me whingeing.

Ma is deteriorating in little steps at the moment. Her speech is becoming more and more difficult to interpret and although she can still 'hold' a conversation of sorts when asked direct questions the rest of the time is filled with nonsensical ramblings. Unless she is asleep she literally does not stop talking. It is exhausting. Other things such as feeding her self or having a drink can be very hit and miss too. She doesn't understand the concept of using a tissue to wipe her nose but will happily use anything else that is to hand...

She is still in constant motion too and will move absolutely anything she can get hold of. The dog lead was in the loo the other day and someone began to suggest that I need to keep everything our of her way but then realised that this is pretty much impossible. So I spend a large amount of my day following her around, putting things back. Unfortunately the suggestion to leave things where she puts them in the hope that she will then move them back again doesn't work!

The violence is also an issue. Now a daily occurrence, it's not much fun being punched repeatedly by your mother. She has also punched a couple of members of staff at the day centre, so at least I know it's not directed at me personally. You do start to wonder sometimes.

We had 12 days of her in her onesies (because she was unable to go to the day centre) and not a single incident in all that time. Last Tuesday was her first day back in normal clothes and within 10 minutes of being washed and dressed I was on my hands and knees scrubbing the carpet, the walls, the furniture and Ma. I admit that I did cry quite a bit.

All of these things are distressing and upsetting and each little step takes her further and further away from the person I knew. It fosters emotions you know are not appropriate but it's hard not to feel annoyance or anger or even, at  times, hatred. But then you just have to get over yourself, shove the guilt into a cupboard, stick a smile on your face and get on with it.