Here's how it is, on this day, warts and all.
05:30 Hello??! Helloooo.....
Hello Ma, it's a bit early, maybe go back to bed for a bit??
Oh I'm sorry, is that early then? I've only got one thing *rattles zimmer* It's not working. I can't drive it properly.
Don't worry I think you've got it round the wrong way. Back to bed for a bit longer?
Oh it's ok I'll just sit here. *stands in hall*
Obviously I can't leave her there and as I am now awake and slightly annoyed at the interruption to my dream involving Julie Collinson, a cook book, Tom Ellis, too many tomatoes and a goat (this is no exaggeration - my dreams are frankly exhausting) I come downstairs and make a pint of tea. Decide to cut a knackered towel in half to make two rolling towels for the Aga rail. Make a mental note to buy Wonderweb and velcro. As you do.
By now Ma is raring to go - waiting for the girls to arrive has quickly become one of her favourite parts of the day. She has a fluffy half hour with them getting showered and dressed then she has a poached egg and a potato waffle - the current breakfast of choice. Fear not, this will soon wear off.
The window cleaner calls for money, Ma shows him the 'beautiful carpet Peter did'. Not sure who is more bemused, me or him. The carpet has been in situ for approximately 30 years and certainly wasn't installed by dad.
The morning is spent watching the tv - Operation Hospital Food, Homes Under the Hammer, This Morning, Loose Women... each news bulletin is greeted with shock and distress despite saying the same thing each and every time.
Is your boyfriend here?
No he's working
Oh no! I'm very worried about him. It's not safe.
What? In Cheltenham??
Anywhere. That man is out there (Gaddafi).
Don't worry Ma, Gaddafi won't go to Cheltenham (yep I actually said that)
Oh that's ok then.
Time for lunch and we have a moment where she nearly kicks off. I tell her she must eat, she tries to pull rank, I ignore her, she starts to get tearful and aggressive, I refuse to listen to the 'you don't love me' crap and tell her to stop it. For once it works. She decides on chips. I suggest she has cheese on them rather than the requested butter and stick three onion rings on the plate too. She eats the lot.
After lunch Dave and Glen arrive. This perks Ma up no end, She is very animated albeit confused and making very little sense. We watch Miranda again, have a cup of tea and then Dave and Glen leave. However, not before Ma shows them the 'beautiful carpet...' Dave's face is a picture.
Tinned peaches and cream for tea and a drink of Horlicks in front of Pointless. Absolutely no irony intended there.
The Betterware man calls for the brochures. Bad move. 'Look at this beautiful carpet...'
The girls arrived to help her get ready for bed and she chooses to sit up for a bit longer, watching the evening news. More concern about 'safety' which is thinly disguised racism. I reassure her again and suggest bed.